Too Pretty To Work

Oh what I would do to be in bed right now, and have nothing to look forward to but watching tv, sipping on some hot black tea and lazying around all day. Every day. Or, I wish I was one of those people working in fun industries like film, fashion, writing etc. I could be a good script writer you know...I have come up with award winning dialogues in my head. And for God's sakes why do I have to have big dreams? I wish I could be happy doing any of these jobs but then I would fall in that dreaded category of people who work in 'jobs that don't matter.' *Whistle.*


Yes I said it, I'm sorry (please don't run away. I realise with every post I make people hate me a little). I do sometimes, sometimes, judge people by the jobs they do. But actually that's just because I am so incredibly jealous that they get to earn a living and completely love their job. Not that I don't. But with these kinds of jobs, loving your job or career is not an active kind of loving. I just know I love it because of that feeling of accomplishment when I kill impossible proposals or reports or deadlines. (And as I'm typing this I have two such deadlines to meet but I will procrastinate until I die). And also I know I would kill myself if I didn't have a 'job that mattered' because I am just not built to be satisfied with any job. But do I wake up every morning with a smile on my face thinking about how much fun I'm going to have today, eerm, no. Actually, I felt like vomiting a little when I saw my boss.

But lately I've been thinking maybe I have my goals and ideals all wrong. I mean, really, why do I have to work in this brain damaging field? And why do I want to go and get another (Phd) degree very soon in some mind numbing field? If I had some millions of dollars, would I still be doing this job? No. I wouldn't. I'm so immature. Why do I write such pointless posts?

Arrgh, why couldn't I just be happy owning a typical business like selling clothes or shoes and having the free time I wanted? And also, me and my sister are the queens of identifying 'cracks' in this our country and I could make millions from any of those business ideas if I ever put them into action. But gosh, that would mean taking risks, and getting the capital and taking risks and taking risks, and bleh, that got boring reaaaly fast.

When I meet someone who says they're models or photographers or writers or actors, oh My God, I always want to kill them. This must mean something, right? That I'm not happy with my life? I started writing this post just as a random thought, but this is getting very scary very quickly. Don't worry, I'm not going to change careers overnight. I am too predictable and high strung that way.

But who knows. *wink*

Did I say that? Yes, yes, I did.

Literary and Literally Things I Can't Stand

Ok, listen, I know that I said already twice, that I will not be sharing new posts on Facebook. And I didn't. But that was soooo hard. I thought about it and decided that it is in the interest of everyone if I continue sharing them on Facebook. And also, someone may or may not have threatened to take my life if I do not keep him/her aptly informed when a new post is up by sharing it on Facebook, and I clearly did not have a comeback to that. Did I write 'Facebook' to many times? Ok, I'm not helping matters.

Let's move on.

Oh wait, now that you know I never follow through with my promises, don't wonder why this post is not a continuation of My Journey into Being A Certified Driver. I just didn't and still don't feel like writing that post. Maybe I will though...someday, so keep checking. Riveting stuff.

So here's my list (I hate lists. I think they are just lazy. Maybe I'll include it in this list) of things people write or do or say that just make me cringe.

1. Lists: Ok I already said this one. I just think it's a very lazy form of writing and if you're lazy then you shouldn't be writing. There are some blogs that are entirely made up of lists: 10 Things I Hate About You, 10 Things I Like About You, et cetera, et cetera. Ok maybe they're usually a bit more original than that, but still. My list is different in that it's awesome and I don't always do it, so please keep reading?

2. Using cool phrases: like 'going HAM!', 'legooo', 'No Homo', 'That shit be craaay' (is that an adequate number of 'a's? I always wonder). Admittedly, and as embarassing as this maybe, I sometimes, sometimes, think these words when I am being the self constructed uber cool (swaggerful) version of myself in my head, but my God, to actually say, them would be like, no.

3. Using *astericks* to describe a feeling/situation in writing. I used to compeletely be against them, until I realised that there are very few alternatives to describe these additional things, which is I why I used them with abandon in my last post. Even then, I still hate them. *rolls eyes at irony of statement*

4. Using hashtags on Facebook: Just, no.

5. Using hashtags on Twitter: Yes, I know this is useful in categorising topics to make it easier when searching, or to determine what's trending. I have no problem with using hashtags when writing #LondonMarathon winner, #MDGS, #poverty and other important topics. However, using hashtag in an inappropriately long sentence that makes no sense #justbecauseyouthinkitscool is the stuff of death.

5. Sharing on Facebook, Twitter and other social networks about how totally wasted you were and how you can't wait to go HAM this weekend: Ok, I may be a little biased because I may be the most socially inadequate human on earth, and my idea of a good weekend is spending it entirely indoors, and throwing a tantrum when I have to go to the grocery store, or finally meeting that one person, because that totally just messed up my weekend. So yeah, I accept that there are other people on the other spectrum of the social scale who like to spend their free time, indulging in 'other' activities. I'm fine with that. But I don't understand why someone would want to announce at the earliest opportunity their hangover ceases, how 'totes amazeballs' their weekend was. What is the point of that? If you do it once in a long time, sure, you may just want to share this little piece of important information with others. But every weekend? What, do you think the rest of us are incapable of going out to the same spots, inebriate ourselves to the point of coolness, take duck face photos and post them on the internet all in one night? Just grow up please.

5. Spoken word: I cant even.



There are many many more things that should be on this list. I'll update when I remember more.

My Journey Into Being a Certified Driver (Part 1: Driving Lessons)

I just realised that I never say hello to you my dear readers. How utterly discourteous of me!

Hellew!!! How are you my darlings? Sleep well? Everything alright? Super.

Just a little housekeeping then before I get on with today's post. Since I don't intend to 'monetize' this blog through ad sense or otherwise, and since I am not seeking fame, or popularity, or whatever it is some bloggers seek when they beg people to read their blogs, I will no longer be sharing links on new posts on my personal Facebook or Twitter accounts. I may occassionally share them on my Aid Worker Girl Twitter handle. I already mentioned this in my previous post, but this is just to, you know, drive the point home.

So, today's post (This is going to be a long one, brace yourselves):

There are numerous things that can get into the Guiness World Book of Records for being down right impossible for learners, and driving should be at the top of that list. The very top. And no, it is NOT because I am female, or have poor eyesight, or have slow reflexes, or scared of trailers...

Let's start at the beginning.

Driving Lessons:

While in primary school, I always watched in envy as my brother, sister and male cousin would negotiate with the driver to let them drive around the playing field before heading home. So I guess my brother can say he first learnt how to drive when he was younger than 13, which is not a big deal, but still. Needless to say, I was never a) brave enough to join my brother in negotiating for some driving time and b) brave enough to face the wrath of my brother and sister who had already decided that I was too weak to be in their club. So I would always try and act uninterested (yes, uninterested. Disinterested means something entirely different) while standing in the field, waiting to go home, while hoping against all hope that I would at least be allowed to sit in the drivers seat for some time. They were having none of that.

As you can imagine, by this time, I was already slightly put off with the whole concept of driving and a fear had already been instilled: I was simply not equipped to deal with the exceptionally complex task that is driving.

So at the ripe old age of 18, I finally decided it was time. Before I joined university, I would have sporadic driving lessons from the driver whenever he was free. Since he wasn't always, I would ask my brother to go with me. I think that was the second experience that deeply entrenched the earlier explained fear. Whenever I would go with the driver, he would always be very supportive: "Hauko mbaya...endelea tu hivyo, utajua...ah ah, punguza speed, haya sasa weka gear 2, sio gear 4! Hahahaha. Usijali, pia sisi tulianza hivyo."

Right. That was not my brother. This is how it would go with him:

Me: (My hands were always visibly shaking immediately I put my hand on the steering wheel). Ok, listen, I just want to ask you before we begin, not to shout at me when I do something wrong, just tell me.
Brother: (Already exhausted). Ok.
Me: And also, if I haven't already made the mistake, don't assume I will make it.
Brother: So I should wait until you hit someone?
Hodhan: Obviously, I wont hit someone. But I mean, like, don't ask me to change the gear immediately the car starts moving, like I wouldn't have known what to do. Or, to stop when I get to a junction.
Brother: Can you just drive?
Me: Ok. (I sit upright, push the seat, all the way to the front until my knees touch the bottom of the steering wheel, and compose myself). So, remind me again, what goes first, the handbreak, changing the gear, or starting the car (this was always the most confusing part of driving).
Brother: Now, if you don't even know how to start the car, what have you been doing in all your driving lessons? Click.
Me: Just tell me! Gosh, this is what I was talking about. I told you not to shout at me. I forgot, I promise, this is the only part which confuses me!

So this would proceed to trying to get the car to move because, I was practicing in a manual car, and the car would always do that awesome thing where it jump starts whenever you don't release the break sloowwly and press the gas pedal. Also, just so you know, this should have been easy for me, because for the longest time, I used both my feet to drive. One was always on the break, while the other alternated between the clutch and the gas pedal. It took me a loooooooong time to get used to using only one foot. Wait, that's a lie. I didn't get used to it. I only stopped when I started driving automatic cars.

So once I got the car started, this is how it went on:

Brother: *Silently waiting for me to make my next mistake, but acting like he's not watching so that I can relax a little and make a mistake.*
Me: You see, I told you I only have a problem with starting the car. *Big smile.* *Screeeech.* Shit.
Brother: How could you not see that boda boda???
Me: I'm sorry, it's just, I just...
Brother: Click. You will never learn how to drive. (Please note: I'm not using exclamation marks at the end of my brother's statements, because when it's reaaally bad, he doesn't shout, he doesn't exclaim. He just speaks in this chilling monotone...)
Me: *Still reeling from those hurtful words.* People are allowed to make mistakes. Even people who know how to drive sometimes make such mistakes. Stop making it look like I made the BIGGEST mistake. And it's not like you had even warned me! (If you know me, you would know that by now, my pressure would be extremely high, and I would be doing that annoying thing where I talk really loud, and gesticulate wildly, and since I was new to driving and could therefore not multitask, the car would be already swerving).
Brother: Just SHUT UP, and drive...Are you even watching the road??? Ah ah, let's just go back. You never listen when I tell you something and now you're shouting at me??? Did you not tell me not to tell you anything before you make a mistake?
Me: Yeah, but, that's not the same thing. I meant 'if I was NOT going to make a mistake.' But if you can SEE, that I'm going to make a mistake, then obviously you have to tell me! What would be the point of bringing you along?
Brother: Never ask me to teach you how to drive again. Get out. Just park right there and get out. We're going back home.
Me: I knew you would do this. *Balancing tears.*

So after many years of procrastinating due to such traumatising experiences, and after months of my mom's demands that I get my driver's lisence when I was home for the holidays (by this time I was already in university), my uncle dragged me to get my licence, with NO WARNING! First, if you see the picture on my driver's licence you will understand just how abrupt this was, by how dishelvelled I look. Secondly, it had been years since I was last at the driver's seat and although I was sure I theoretically knew how to drive a car, the reality was not quite the same.

We get in to the office, and after being quizzed by some guy on whether I know how to drive a car or not, he asks me to tell him what the signs on the wall mean. And he was not pointing at the stop sign, the corner sign, the BUMP AHEAD sign! These were some technical shit signs I had never even seen on a real road. So of course, I failed at every single one of them. He then started shouting and asking my uncle why he brought me there, and how he could be expected to put such an incompetent driver on the roads. So my uncle whispers to me in my native language, saying he just wants money, and not to worry, no one knows these signs anyway. He was right, I gave the guy some shameful amount of money. I asked him if we should now go downstairs so he could see me drive, but at this point, he already had enough proof that I was indeed, quite the excellent driver. "Si you're going to bring the pictures for the licence, just drive on your way out. I'll be watching from the balcony." I swear to God, those were his words. Ha!

To wrap up, you may want to know that none of my family members have gotten their driving licences through a driving school. We come from a little town in Kenya where everyone knows each other by name, and having fully adapted ourselves to the local style of doing things, a simple test of showing up, undertaking a test (if at all) that constitues driving to the gate on your way in or out, failing horribly at the board test (I doubt you understood what I meant by board test. I meant the one where you are asked to show how you would manouvre a vehicle on a roundabout, junctions, etc, on a miniature road on a BOARD), reading the road signs and failing, and maybe, perharps, giving a small monetary contribution to the officer in charge for, you know, his assistance.

Sorry, this is making me feel incomplete: back there, when I said board, I had to check that it is indeed the right spelling of board. A post I saw on iwastesomuchtime.com has left me with a life long insecurity on how that word is spelt, because the girl, Rachel, so horribly decapitated the Queen's language, I have this unexplained need to counter check every word I spell to make sure I am not in the same league as her. Which is why I take so long in between my blog posts:-)

Wow, sorry for digressing. This post is too long. I'll contine the second part in another post, starting with CHANGING LANES and NEGOTIATING ROUNDABOUTS! *Shudder!*

Je, Wewe Ni Nani?

OMG! OOOH EM GEEE!!! I know I totally sound 15 right now, but there's no other way to express myself. So I was googling my blog (yes, I'm that vain), and right at the bottom of the link to this post, was an option to 'tafsiri ukurasa huu.' You can already guess where I'm going with this right? Right??? Looool.

Here is Google's horrendously poor job of translating this post, for wasomaji wangu kutoka bara au Bongo. Please read to the last bit, and thank me later.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, basi mimi kuwa nayo. Najua imekuwa eons tangu mimi ilidumu posted, kwa hiyo kuondoka wewe wote bereft ya njia ya kuendelea na maisha haya.

Nilikuwa napenda baada ya kila siku, lakini bleh, kwamba inachukua njia sana juhudi na si kama mtu wa kwenu huduma (No, sija passiv fujo). I mean yeah, stats yangu risasi juu wakati mimi baada tu na kisha fizzle nje kwa haraka sana, lakini mimi nadhani siwezi kukuua kwa sasa ... sitarajii wewe kwa fimbo ya karibu, obsessively refreshing ukurasa, matumaini kwa post mpya. Na mimi tu kama nguzo nyingine mbili katika nyaraka yangu ili si kwamba kusisimua sana. Na pia mimi si gharikisha kwa matapishi hisia kutoka kwenye kina cha kukata tamaa kama blogs zingine, hivyo upya, si ya kusisimua sana.

Lakini kwa kweli, Everytime I kupitia stats yangu mimi befuddled (bemused bewildered? Puzzled?) Katika watazamaji yangu. Wasomaji wangu juu ni kutoka Kenya, Marekani, Uingereza na China (?) Si lazima ili. Mimi sitaki kuwatisheni yote ya wasomaji wangu kumi (hakuna, wao ni kweli njia zaidi) lakini, WHO ni wewe? Kweli, kufanya kuwaambia ... wakitaka kujua akili unataka kujua! Awali ya yote, hebu kuanza na China (pole kwa kuwaita ninyi bro .. au msichana) ... mimi nilikuwa karibu kuapa sijui mtu yeyote kutoka China, au mimi kufanya, Mimi sijui hao wakiongozwa. Wewe wanaonekana kutumia ni kubwa sana ya muda kusoma blog yangu, hivyo unaweza tafadhali nipe heshima ya angalau kutoa maoni. Kama, mimi nataka tu kujua stats ni uongo. Huna ya kuandika kitu kikubwa. I d kuridhika hata kwa kuacha full. Hapana, kwa kweli tu kuandika neno, kama NENO, hivyo najua si kitu robotic.

Na kwa ajili ya wasomaji wengine mara kwa mara kutoka Ulaya ya Mashariki, Amerika ya Kusini, Asia, nchi. Wewe ni nani? Brazil, Ujerumani, Australia, Mexico? Czech, Singapore, India, Malaysia, Romania???? Czech, Singapore, India, Malaysia, Romania?? Ukraine?????

Bila shaka, najua si kwamba orodha ya kuvutia sana ya yote ya nchi 10, lakini kuna zaidi na muhimu zaidi, mimi si kutangaza blog yangu sana (badala ya Facebook).

Hivyo tafadhali, kufanya matumizi ya chaguo bila majina katika sanduku ya maoni, na tu kwa ajili ya upendo wa Coke, napenda kujua wewe ni nani? Thaaanks!

Oh. Mimi itabidi kuwa kugawana nyadhifa mpya katika Picha tena, hivyo ama kuangalia juu ya blog hii mara kwa mara au kwenda kuchimba shimo. XO

Who Are You???

Ok, let me have it. I know it's been eons since I lasted posted, therefore leaving you all bereft of the means to continue with this life.

I wish I could post everyday, but bleh, that takes way too much effort and it's not like any of you care (No, I am not being passive aggressive). I mean yeah, my stats shoot up whenever I post and then just fizzle out so fast, but I guess I can't kill you for that...I don't expect you to stick around, obsessively refreshing the page, hoping for a new post. And I only have like two other posts in my archives so that's not very exciting. And also I don't inundate you with emotional vomit from the depths of despair like other blogs do, so again, not very exciting.

But really, everytime I go through my stats I am befuddled (bemused? bewildered? PUZZLED?) at my audience. My highest readership is from Kenya, US, UK and China (???) not necessarily in that order. I don't want to scare all of my ten readers (no, they're actually way more) but, WHO are you??? Really, do tell...inquiring minds want to know!!! First of all, let's start with China (sorry to call you out bro..or girl)...I could almost swear I don't know anyone from China, or if I do, I have no idea they moved. You seem to spend an awful lot of time reading my blog, so could you please give me the courtesy of at least commenting. Like, I just want to know the stats are not lying. You don't have to write anything substantial. I'd be satisfied even with a full stop. No, actually just write a word, like WORD, so I know it's not some robotic thing.

And for the other regular readers from Eastern European, South American, Asian, countries. Who are you? Brazil, Germany, Australia, Mexico?? Czech, Singapore, India, Malaysia, Romania???? Ukraine?????

Of course, I know that's not a very impressive list of all of 10 countries, but there's more and more importantly, I don't advertise my blog very much (besides Facebook).

So please, make use of the anonymous option in the comment box, and just for the love of Coke, let me know who you are? Thaaanks!

Oh. I'll not be sharing new posts on Facebook anymore, so you either check on this blog regularly or you go dig a hole. XO

KONY 2012: Just Shut The Hell Up

If you clicked on this post hoping that this will be one of the many emerging posts bashing the Kony 2012 campaign by Invisible Children, you're exactly the kind of person I want to address. Sit.

First off, if you haven't already watched the video, do it here.

I didn't learn anything new from the video, but that's only because I try and keep up with the various ongoing conflicts in the world. Also, I live right next door to Uganda. I therefore know that the short film has raised a significant amount of awareness on the LRA, and on Joseph Kony in particular, to the millions of people who were ignorant about the issue before. It therefore annoys pains me, when some people, who feel they are quite informed about how people should go about running humanitarian organizations, predictably get defensive and start attacking efforts by Invisible Children.

I have already shared my views on various forums, but I thought I should summarize them here as well. Just this morning I received a link to Invisible Children's response to the critiques by the public. It doesn't inform what I'm going to say below, so you should read it here.

1. See image above.
I think that reposting the Kony 2012 video is not a naive thing to do. Just because someone was unaware/ignorant of what was happening before, doesn't mean that they should remain that way. Millions of people around the world have in the last two or three days learnt something new, and I would not fault them for, or discourage them from wanting to share this information with the rest of the world. The campaign by Invisible Children is aimed at lobbying the U.S. Government to provide support in ensuring the arrest of Kony, even when they had previously been told by members of the government that doing so would not be in the rest of the U.S. Still, (whether or not they suddently identified something of interest to them) the U.S has already deployed some troops to Uganda. More details about this can be found in the video. Invisible Children's approach is to therefore create awareness on Kony, particularly in America, and to get the public to demand for action from its government. Whether this approach will work or not is up for debate, but it never hurts to inform and educate the public. It's also a bit of a shame that this ignorance exists even in Kenya, as is depicted by people's comments on facebook.

2. Why does the U.S. always have to 'intervene.'
For the sake of full disclosure, I would like to inform you that 1) I'm Muslim and 2). I'm Somali. It therefore shouldn't come as a surprise that I don't like the American government very much. Also, I know that the U.S. and any other state would only get involved when their interests are involved. Yes, that's very sad. But it's called Realism. Google it. However, I would never open my mouth to spew nonesense to the effect that the U.S. or the West should categorically not involve themselves with what's happening in the world, or rather in the few countries that have the resources to sustain their interest. That would be irresponsible for the following reason (I'll just paste what I had already written before in another forum):

----> What's very unfortunate is that there ARE numerous problems in the world, and we hardly ever manage to solve these problems. Of course the U.S. and any other Western country gets involved when their interests are involved. It's a marriage of convinience, and no matter how much people rant about this, things will not change until we (the countries in crises) have both the will and ability (and capacity) to address those problems. Since often times we can't, then I can't complain too much. Same case for Somalia. We've been at war for more than 20 years and counting. All the Somalis in the diaspora do is complain, instead of going back to their homeland and fixing their country. So as much as it pains me, if vast amounts of oil were discovered in Somalia today, it would be the best thing, not because of the wealth it would bring to the Somali people, but for the international attention it would create. Someone needs to fix that country and at this point it doesn't matter who. Once they are back on their feet and the kids are educated, then they can have the brains to challenge the west and demand that they leave.

So some of those countries in some cases should be thankful that they have the resources to attract the West. While they get expolited, they will also be helped. Everyone knows that the resources they have anyway will not do them any good until there is stability. Once they have this, they can rightly say 'thank you very much, you may now leave.' I feel sorry for the countries with little resources because noone's interested in them, which is bad for them. The best way I can explain my understanding is that in cases where the West is interested, it becomes a marriage of convinience-they both benefit, although there might also be some collateral damage. Just a disclaimer: I only support this arrangement obviously if the human rights of the citizens are respected. And also sorry for bringing up Somalia. It was just an example.

3. The campaign over simplifies a very complex issue.
Of course they have simplified it. It was a 30 minute documentary. Most of you could hardly sit through that, so would you have watched it if the story was told in intricate detail? Go learn something about media. The point was to pique your interest, and to push you to do further research on your own. If you wanted the enitre history in one sitting, then you're an idiot.

In terms of simplifying the approach, this is not the case. In the video, it cleary emerges that Invisble Children is involved in other programmes aimed at rehabilitation and recovery of victims of the conflict. The video was not aimed at providing an institutional report on the organization, complete with their specific objectives, workplan, financial reports etc. The link on their response posted above provides this information anyway.
Some critics have even gone as far as saying that a significant amount (which is not that huge anyway) of their budget goes to making films. Of course it should. That's like telling National Geographic that they spend too much money making documentaries. That's their fucking job! Creating awareness is one of their three objectives and so they spend about a third of their budget on making films. Nothing surprising about that.

I had intended for this post to be longer, but since I came across Invisble Children's response to critiques on the Kony 2012 campaign, I have less to post - they have answered most questions on their article.

I'll conclude by saying this: I do not and cannot support an organization blindly simply because of some 'emotional propaganda'. However, there's need for people to critically examine campaigns and organizations, as well as the causes they are fighting for instead of being overly defensive in a bid to sound more 'educated, informed and worldly.' If you feel that this is a shady, overambitious, simplistic approach/organization, then demonstrate that by supporting this claim with hard facts, and also doing it they way you  think is the right way. I don't know whether the campaign by Invisible Children will work. I also don't know for a fact whether the organization is credible. I can only rely on the information they make public, which is the case for all other organizations in the world. Based on the information they have provided, I do find that they are credible. If it happens that they are not, I will not backtrack on my sentiments, because there's no way for me or you to know any better than what they share publicly. That's the job of Charity Navigator. And they give Invisible Children 4 out of 5 stars.

Lastly, some are saying that Kony's arrest should not be the most important thing in the world today, that there are worse situations than what's happening in Uganda, D.R Congo, C.A.R. etc. If you honestly feel that way, fair enough. But what are you doing about those problems? Why do you wait to bash other people's efforts to fight for their causes, while you sit comfortably, doing nothing? If you feel something needs the world's attention, then go out and raise awareness about it. I know that I have never strongly fought for a specific cause besides aring my views and deciding to work in the humanitarian field. Which is not nearly enough. So the least I can do is support any legitimate effort by any legitimate organization, group or person, trying to make the world a better place.

Ok, I have to admit, this one ^^^ is true.

Edit: I decided to ignore the errors in the video, because if you know anything about the LRA/Kony/Uganda, you noted them as well. I just focused on the bigger picture. There are some pretty interesting comments on this issue on this website.

Edit: I just saw this on facebook - a comment by two people (not friends) on a Facebook friend's wall. I hope they don't take it badly...

'The hypocrisy of wanting to #stopkony when kids are killed everyday in Iraq, Gaza and Afghanistan.The same people who got #stopkony trending should urge their govts to withdraw from occupied lands. #Freegaza. #StopIsrael and #StopAmerica ...should be trending too. Not excusing Kony and LRA but the former duo are worse mass killers. Way worse'

'once again some retarded white idiots trying to save the "poor wretched africans from their misery"...how great!! nktest!!! these people kill me! i also had a feeling this is propaganda bullshit!....can we also have a campaign exposing the plight of the human beings in GAZA??'

I could cry blood. Really, I would rather be incinerated than read such stuff. Really??? Oh My God! There's something going on in Palestine as well??? Jesus, real human beings are suffering in Palestine because of Israel??? Who knew! GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF JUST COMMENTING ABOUT IT. Why don't YOU start that campaign? Who's stopping you??? Fuck, I am sooo annoyed.

How To Write A Novel

Begin by writing the first scene. Read it. Edit it. Infuse some clever lines and dialogue. Be amazed at how clever it is. Be amazed at how clever you are. Google - 'How To Write A Novel'. Realize that there are more than a hundred different ways. Realize that almost none start with writing the first scene. Delete the first scene. Spend half an hour creating the characters and writing the plot. Write 1,731 words of character descriptions and plot. Spend another half an hour writing 545 words of the first part of Chapter One. Read it. Edit it. Infuse some clever lines and dialogue. Be amazed at how clever it is. Be amazed at how clever you are. Decide not to tell anyone you are writing a novel.

Continue to read search results of 'How To Write A Novel'. Read that announcing to your family and friends that you are writing will keep you grounded and ensure that you stay focused. Wonder whether this is true. Question this theory. Decide not to tell anyone. Imagine yourself having finished the book, and having published it. Picture reading rave reviews of your novel from the New Yorker and the Telegraph. Picture yourself going on a book tour. Already get tired imagining how many books you would have to sign. Think of changing your signature. Smile at the thought of Warner Bros. Pictures and Universal Studios fighting over movie rights for your novel. Decide that the rights would go to Miramax.

Continue to be amazed at how clever your novel's characters, plot and first 545 words of Chapter One are. Become excited at seeing how the rest of the novel will turn out. Wonder if it will ever...turn out. Decide that you made a good decision not to tell anyone. Imagine it turning out. Imagine giving the first draft to two people close to you who actually read books, to get their thoughts on your novel. Tell them it was written by a friend. Wonder if they secretly think you wrote the book. Decide that you camouflaged the real events in your life enough, with many fictitious events, characters and places. Believe that this will confuse them. Start to doubt this belief.

Be amazed that these two people tell you how genius the book was. 'Equal parts thriller, comedy and romance.' Emphasize to them that it has never been done before. Tell yourself you knew they would give good reviews. Tell them you wrote it. Watch as their faces contort with the realization that they are in the presence of a literary genius. Hate them for being so surprised.

Tell everyone else you wrote a novel. Watch as their faces contort with the realization that they are in the presence of a literary genius. Hate them for being so surprised. Imagine them wonder when you did it all. Tell them it was not easy. No, tell them it was easy.

Start to look up top publishing houses. Send emails to a few of them. Only the top most. Receive responses from some asking you for a copy of your work. Go to your computer to retrieve the completed work. Realize it is not completed. Realize you only got to 545 words of the first part of Chapter One. Realize that you imagined it all. Close the web pages of the search results of 'How To Write A Novel'. Wonder if people reading this will think you are writing or want to start a novel. Think of telling them that you are. Think of not telling them. Wonder if you are. Decide not to tell them. Realize you would be lying. Or omitting to say the truth. Wonder if they are confused whether you are or are not writing a novel. Decide it does not matter.